Anicca: She Said

Showing posts with label She Said. Show all posts

Monday, 23 May 2022

#MondayBlogs - #OpenLetter Dear Nayomi

Priyanka May 23, 2022 0 Comments

Dear Nayomi,

Hope you are doing well.

By the time you will be mature enough to understand this letter, I don’t think, you will even remember me. However, that is not going to stop me from writing to you today.

I hope your mom reads this letter to you or lets you read it by yourself when you are old enough to understand.

I know it seems weird to believe for kids that their parents were also their age once. Like you, I was a five-year-old girl once... lost, clueless and unable to communicate properly, desperately looking for a cocoon.

However, I didn’t get it. What I did get was criticism (not constructive), labels (in the 90s, most people did not know what to call someone who was different. So they just called me problematic, crazy, mad, etc...), and last but not the least, shame and guilt.

People drove my mother crazy with such talks, and most of the time they came from so-called family members and well-wishers.

I feel so much pain to admit this, but my mother was not able to cope with the immense criticism for her daughter, especially, when her elder daughter was the so-called good girl. Hence, what I received from her is beating, shaming and criticism.

And because my mother did this to me, I had no other option than to believe that I was problematic.

This all killed the creative, imaginative kid, and gave born to a very insecure child. And what I did to hide that insecurity, was be naughtier, reject all forms of institutionalised education, try to find comfort in my pain and tell myself I am not good.

It took me a lot of time (around 15 years), to come to terms with my uniqueness, my creativity, and the beauty of my imagination. I accept the fact that I am not like most other people and I love that about myself. And I have people in my life who love me because of all the things that make me different.

I am not ashamed or guilty to be myself. I am straightforward, blunt and have the guts to tell someone the truth to their face.

AND, I will not accept anything less than someone who accepts me unconditionally.

You are very young my dear.

Don’t let those bullies get the best of you, embrace your creativity, and don’t hide behind aggression and aloofness to mask your insecurities.

You have been criticized for things that are not wrong, like the way you sit and talk. You are from a multilingual family, and it is normal for kids from such families to speak a little late as they are coping with two or more languages.

People who criticize you do not want a child, they want a puppet to control and you are no one’s marionette.

I know for sure, that one day you will overcome all this. Embrace your choices, and move towards what makes you happy. You are blessed with an amazing mother who is trying her best to give you the childhood you deserve.

Be you Nayomi, be the best version of you.

With Lots of Love and Affection,

Piu Aunty

Monday, 6 December 2021

#MondayBlogs - You Are A Slut

Priyanka December 06, 2021 0 Comments

“Wear proper cloths when you go outside. You can wear whatever you want at home, but outside, NO.”

Mrs. B said these words with so much confidence and conviction that for moment I could not wonder but thought…

“Is she my master or something, that is telling me what to and what not to wear? At the same time, she is so generous to give me the permission to wear whatever I want to wear indoors.”

Well, my first response was… what do you mean by proper clothes?

Mrs. B said, something which is not revealing.

Again, who gets to decide what is revealing? In Afghanistan, wearing a Burka which does not cover your face is revealing. At the same there are beaches in the world where walking naked is not revealing.

This answer didn’t impress her. Rather it made her only more eager to prove her point that what I wear, I wear it to get negative attention (read sexual attention) from men.

Hence, she came at me with her big guns.

“Somewhere a four-year girl got raped by the milk man because her mom wore short clothes and the milk man couldn’t rape the mom, so he raped the little girl and killed her.”

WOW, I did NOT have a response to that. It is like my actions will cause something so horrible to my daughter that I can’t even imagine it even in my worst nightmare. And someone actually said this out loud.

Should I cry because of the pain she caused me or tell her to fuck off?

I don’t know what to do. I am numb. I left the premise.

After I reached home, my immediate response was immense anger. After I had calmed down, I realized what she was trying to do. She was trying to SLUT-SHAME me.

Slut-Shaming

Slut-shaming is the practice of criticizing people, especially women and girls, who are perceived to violate expectations of behavior and appearance regarding issues related to sexuality. The term is used to reclaim the word slut and empower women and girls to have agency over their own sexuality.

I know exactly why she was doing this, point to point, but this is not about her, it’s about all of the people who think it’s their birth right to slut shame others, especially girls.

Some Basic examples of slut shaming

Blaming the girl:

The most common way of slut-shamming is to tell the girl, it's your fault. Be it anything, for example someone making vulgar comments, leaking her pics online, raping her, inserting an iron rod through her vagina for far in that it reaches her heart… IT’S ALL HER FAULT.

Mocking someone else’s sexual practices because to you, they are “weird.”:

In the core, belief lies that, it’s different so it’s bad. Homosexual people are more vulnerable to these types of things.

Assuming a girl is only dressing up to impress guys:

The only work a girl has, is to dress up, so men give her attention. It’s the core of her existence. Female bodies exists to be pleasing to men. Although, the fact is, we dress according to the weather, body function, activity and to express our personal aesthetic.

Different stand for Girls and Boys:

A guy who has sex with multiple women is Stud and a woman who does the same thing is a slut. Logic simply committed a suicide here.

Describing another woman — or yourself! — as being “like a guy when it comes to sex.”:

We have a tendency to describe someone who explore and express their sexual desires as “Like a Guy”. Sorry to disappoint, but Men don’t get to have ownership over the act of “liking sex,”. It’s simply not how its biologically designed.

Not speaking up for each other:

Not standing up for each other is silent way of telling, you deserve it.

Why Someone slut shame others

At the core of it all, those who engage in slut shaming usually believes that the whole existence of a woman is to please men, and who dress up in certain way, behave certain ways are not satisfied with one man. In other words, a good woman stays covered up and only pleases her husband even if she is not sexually satisfied.

How to stop Slut Shaming

The solution is very simple: RESPECT INDIVIDUAL CHOICES.

Well, after reading all this, if you still wondering what was I wearing to cause such response, please read it again.

"I use my talent AND my sexuality all the time because I choose to. Women can be sexual AND talented. Naked and dignified. It’s OUR choice," - Ariana Grande

Wednesday, 15 September 2021

I am a Man - #MyFriendAlexa

Priyanka September 15, 2021 1 Comments

Recently I came across a video by an alcohol brand where actor Sanjay Dutt is promoting the right kind of Masculinity (read Toxic), urging people to consume this particular alcohol, and become a real man.

The video is so toxic and stereotypical that even the most stereotypical men will find it offensive.

Now the point is, we all talk about female stereotypes, we all fight it in our own way (I hope we all do). But face it, female stereotypes are the real issue, but we also need to address the other elephant in the room, the male stereotypes. They are so interconnected that we can’t move forwards without addressing both issues.

According to various analysts and researchers, male characters fall within a range of stereotypes.

The most popular stereotypes of male characters are:

The Joker: The funny who no one takes seriously, he is there just for the comic relief, most importantly, no girl wants to date him.

The Jock: He is athletic, muscular, date the sexiest girl, is usually dumb, and sucks at studies.

The Strong Silent Type: He exudes strength by taking action without expressing or worrying about their emotions. He loves to deny his emotions and feelings. Denial is his poison.

The Big Shot: These are the people who think they are mighty or they are acting like they are better than everybody else when in reality they are not.

The Action Hero: This is the one with a savior complex. It’s his job to save someone, especially a girl. We see them everywhere with their inflated muscles and egos.

The Buffoon: Commonly described as a bungling father figure. They are usually well-intentioned and light-hearted, however completely hopeless when it comes to parenting, dealing with domestic or career issues.

However, when we dig dipper, one common theme in all the stereotypes are “be a man, suck it up,”

Let us see what are the most common male stereotypes:

Vulnerability: The biggest stereotyped male behaviour is showing Vulnerability. Hey are suppose to be the MAN, can’t ask for help, can’t show fear, he will not express his love, in short, a robot with muscles.

And when they actually ask for help, they have penalized for the challenge of this notion.

Emotions (Sadness): The only emotion a man is allowed to show is his anger. In various cultures, men are socialized to be stoic.

And when they show any other emotion other than anger they are showed with amazing adjectives like being pussy.

Love for Sports: Men are supposed to love sports, especially the aggressive ones, like rugby, football, basketball.

Control their woman: A man have to be in control of his home, especially his wife. If one can’t control their wife, it’s a big shame.

Modesty: Men are expected to be proud of their achievements. Research shows that men who were more modest about their qualifications were evaluated as less likable.

Now, what we can do about it…

The simplest answer here is to teach our children to be more compassionate to everyone, celebrate men who dare to express their emotions, broaden gender stereotypical roles, most importantly do not gender police.

Let’s start this discussion with the wise words of Nelson Mandela,

“We slaughter one another in our words and attitudes. We slaughter one another in the stereotypes and mistrust that linger in our heads, and the words of hate we spew from our lips.”

I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.

Monday, 23 August 2021

#MondayBlogs - Crazy, Stupid, Love

Priyanka August 23, 2021 0 Comments

Photo by How Far From Home from Pexels

“But I can feel your love, as strong as mine” – Arjun B

Love, the four-letter word makes this world go around, even when we don’t like it. This is the most abused, misunderstood, misused word in the world. Yet, even the most broken, damaged souls we carve for love, some affection, a touch with desire.

In short, we all desire love in some form or other, like friendship, parents, siblings, and most desired a lover’s love.

Today let's discuss love, the romantic, heartbreaking, passionate love.

But why do you desire someone?

It is not forever, it breaks your heart into million pieces, and it will make you cry on those lonely nights, where you feel closer to the dark sky and far from your lover.

Before we go into that, let’s see what the stages of love are...

Dilkashi (Attraction): The first of attraction, the first sigh of longing.

Uns (Attachment): At this stage, she is developing her interest in him and decides to woo her or just ignore him and give him the chance to woo her.

Mohobbat (Love): She starts feeling at top of the world, butterflies in her mind lost in thoughts of her beloved. This is the most euphoric of all stages.

Akidat (Trust): She started trusting him more than anything and anyone.

Ibadat (Worship): Her love reaches the extend of worshiping him.

Junoo (Madness): She finds her own identity incomplete without him, a stage of obsession.

Maut (Death): The final stage of love, DEATH, where the self-identity is completely lost.

Now back to the main question, why are we so crazy about love.....

Childhood Neglect: The theory the psychologist propose is that people who crave love usually do this because they grew up without affection or emotional intimacy. It’s like one needs to be holding them in their arms and tell them loving words. If this is the reason for the love, it feels like a black hole consuming them from inside.

Procreate Babies: German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer maintained that love, based on sexual desire and makes babies. This is the biological theory of the crazy need for love, creating a mini us in this oblivious world. This theory also tangled sex and creating babies. We love (read Sex) because our desires lead us to believe that another person will make us happy.

According to this, men like Ovulation women as they can reproduce.

I really don’t think the theory is enough to explain the mystery of love, anyhow, who doesn’t like sex.

Escape from our Loneliness: Well, we all relate to this. It’s like someone fills the vacuum that we are carrying. However, the type and loneliness various time to time, hence the type of lover. This quality is often seen in people with high emotional intelligence, poets, and writers.

The Best way to describe this is.....

প্রেম আসলে ছন্নছাড়া,
দৌড়ে বেড়ায় এদিক ওদিক,
শূন্য মন ভরায় যে,
সেই আমার তখন প্রেমিক।

A loose translation...

Love is aimless, roaming around all day. Whoever can fill the vacuum of my heart, is my love for the time being.

Love is Misleading affliction: Gautama Buddha said we love because we are trying to satisfy our basic desires of companionship. However, our passionate cravings are defects, and the end attachment even if it is romantic love, results in a great source of suffering.

Love lets us reach beyond ourselves: French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir proposed that love is the desire to be one with another and it supposes to infuse our lives with meaning.

She advised to love authentically; it is more like a great friendship. Like a mutual support system, each other in discovering themselves, reaching beyond themselves, and enriching their lives as well as the world, together.

Though it is literally impossible to know why we fall in love, one thing is certain that it’ll be an emotional rollercoaster ride.

We lose ourselves.

We find ourselves.

It might end in heartbreak or the best thing in life.

Hence, the moral of the story, love is the pain and is the cure and we humans are powerless in front of it.

“I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.” A.S. Byatt

Friday, 22 January 2021

Movies that I want my daughter to watch

Priyanka January 22, 2021 0 Comments

As a mother, I have a list of movies that I want my daughter to watch. The two most important movies on that list are Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety and Kabir Singh.

Well, no matter how much one praise those movies, it is never enough.

I have already talked about Kabir Singh is a previous post, so let’s focus on STS (Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety).

The main purpose of showing her these masterpieces are is to make her learn what not to do in life.

The movie revolves around three characters:

Sonu: Sonu is played by Kartik Aaryan who is famous for his female bashing characters. He is the flag-bearer of male friendship goals and meninism. As a result, he is a bachelor and plans to be so all his life (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free).

His life goal is to protect his childhood friend Titu (Sunny Singh) from shallow romance. As a symptom of oblivious innocence on Titu’s side, he suffered heartbreak again. As a solution to all problems, he agreed to an arranged marriage with Sweety.

Titu: Titu is too saintly, innocent, sweet, and dim-witted to be taken seriously. Just ignore him.

Sweety: She is too good to be true. She is the ideal would be Indian Bahu. She works for orphan children, looks out for Titu’s every need, sends him lunches, and satisfies him in ways women are made to satisfy men. Sweety is a one-note perfect bahu.

No… No… No… just wait, she is not one note, she is a multidimensional character. The hidden part of her character is that she is a Bitch and wants to control Titu, just like Sonu wants to control Titu.

Sonu and sweety have the same goal… to get Titu to do whatever they want.

Story of the Movie:

Sonu is convinced that Sweety is a BITCH in disguise, which he concludes based on his instincts. However, nobody believes him and he is all alone in proving this hypothesis. Therefore, what started is a battle of the sexes; it is the best friend versus the bride-to-be. And what a twist it is. They just replaced the mother-in-law with the so-called best friend. And what follows is a war between these two characters with every bit of pettiness, bitterness, and nastiness.

Conclusion:

Sonu is closeted Bisexual and Indian movies are far behind even showing Homosexual relationships; Bisexual theme in a movie is ages behind.

What I want my daughter to learn from the movie is that everybody can tell you how to behave, this will teach you how you are not supposed to behave, treat people, let yourself be treated like this, and most importantly, run from this type of people like they are Corona Virus.

Friday, 8 January 2021

A Not So Good Girl

Priyanka January 08, 2021 0 Comments

My three-year-old daughter drives me crazy with her activities and it is a daily thing in our home. And many a time, to my surprise, what I tell her is, “good girls don’t behave like this.”

Somehow, this “Good Girl” concept got imprinted on her, and she loves to be called a good girl. However, with some magical force or something, her definition of “Good Girl” is different from the so-called societal definition. I am eternally thankful for this.

This reminded me of an incident that happened years ago. It was about 10-11 years ago that Sania Mirza wore a T-shirt with the caption “good girls don't make history.” And as you can imagine, she was criticized like she had committed murder and it was time to punish her for it.

Another time I remember noticing this concept was when I was watching a movie called "The Stepford Wives’. The theme of the movie is about men turning their wives into robots in order to make them the perfect wives. Perfect wives seemed so familiar with the Good Girl concept.

It got me thinking, what the hell is this good girl, and who is she? So, I asked who always asked for help…Google, and here is what Google told me about good girls.

Good Girl: A good girl is to be passive, submissive, and compliant. A good girl won't be solving problems, feeding the homeless, and making the world a better place. She's good by her own twisted definition of good. And anyone who doesn't adhere to her paradigm of goodness is most likely, in her mind, bad.

Every society on this planet has its version of a good girl. The version differs from country to country; however, the undercurrent is the same as what the definition said about good girls.

We love our good girls, but why? Why we are (‘we’ include both genders.) so obsessed with them?

But first, let’s see the common characteristics of Good Girls:

Living for others: The main and the most important characteristic of a Good Girl is that she lives for others; her whole life is devoted to others, especially to her husband and in-laws.

Being what others want you to be: A Good Girl is what others want her to be, especially the men in her life, obedient, submissive, and happy (nothing wrong in being happy, however here happy means looking happy not being), always available to serve others, and the list goes on and on.

“Me” is on the back foot: This is interconnected with the first point; her own self is served at last. She is never her own priority. Even if she looks nice and happy, it’s because to gives comfort to someone else. Not for her own good.

Compelled to behave like this for others' approval: Her behavior is always aimed to please others, and getting their approval, especially from the opposite gender.

She Avoids Drama: A Good Girl hates drama, not because of her personal dislike towards it, but rather to provide comfortable surroundings for men.

She’s Not the Jealous Type: She is never the jealous type, not because she has overcome jealousy. It is just to make sure her man can be comfortable with others, and most importantly, to avoid drama.

She’s All About Compromise: A Good Girl is synonymous with Compromise. Her whole life is a compromise and she is proud of it.

She Takes Pride in Her Appearance: A Good Girl is always aware of her beauty and makes sure she looks nice all the time. Again, this is not because it is her choice, rather makes sure when her man sees her; he sees a beautiful, happy face.

Humour: She has a great sense of humour, never cracks stupid jokes, doesn’t laugh loudly, always has a happy persona, and makes sure to never miss the chance at laughing at her man’s not-at-all funny jokes.

Down-to-Earth: Good Girls are down to earth, even if she is a rocket scientist. Now being Down-to-Earth is not a bad quality, however, for a good girl, the reason is not to come across overachiever or over-educated to her male counterpart.

She keeps only positive, uplifting people in her life: Now, last but definitely not the least, A GOOD GIRL IS A ROBOT. She is all positive, doesn’t have a single shred of negativity, is always happy, loving, serving, compromising, and definitely not a human.

Now back to the main question, why do we love our good girls?

The answer is simple; in a male-dominated society (created by both men and women) a Good Girl serves men's need to feel superior and comfortable (and many more, directly or indirectly). And who doesn’t like to be served?

Lastly, I want to finish with a thought…

“You can't put everyone before you and call that love”

Monday, 27 April 2020

Kabir Singh and a Lazy Afternoon

Priyanka April 27, 2020 20 Comments

I was going through a very difficult time in my life when my friend (philosopher and guide) Debdatta suggested I should write and put it in a blog. She actually gave me access to her personal blog, and the lazy me didn’t do anything concrete with it.

After this lockdown, like many others, my husband is at home and eating my head along with sweets, biscuits, and every possible snack and bugging me to do something about my free time. My friends and husband seem to have a lot of confidence in me that I will do something good in life; however, I am happy with my lazy ass.

Yesterday, after a heated argument, which I think my hubby won, he convinced me to write. Therefore, here I am trying to collaborate one of my favorite subject Psychology with not at all favorite character Kabir Singh.

Before I start, let me clarify that I am talking about Kabir Singh as a character, not Shahid Kapoor the actor.

The primary criticism the movie received is that it is promoting misogyny and being anti-feminist. However, I found the main problem in the movie is: The director is promoting a mental illness as a masculine trait and fun quality. Kabir Singh is clearly suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). It is a very much real disorder recognized by DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual). The DSM-5 defines Intermittent Explosive Disorder as “recurrent behavioral outbursts representing a failure to control aggressive impulses.” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013)

From the very beginning of the movie till the end, there are multiple occasions where it is very evident that he needs some medical help, counseling, and medication. Having a mental disorder is not fun, like many other physical problems it needs to be treated. I actually felt like the director Sandeep Reddy Vanga trying to say like, “hey Kabir! You have a brain tumor (comparing IED with a physical disease to have a better understanding), it’s actually fun to have a deadly disease and the best part is you are not going to be treated, and most importantly, you are a doctor.”

For god’s sake get some treatment Kabir, you are a doctor, I am sure you know some good psychiatrists and they can give you some discount also. Anyhow, Kabir was consuming so many drugs; it won’t kill to replace them with some prescribed medicine.

I am sure after the treatment, people will not call you a misogynist, and even if you still behave like a jerk with girls, you can definitely do something about it and get improved. But first, consult a psychiatrist.

And lastly, let me tell you who the main villain in the movie is… Any guess…

It is that dean of that medical college, he asked Kabir to write an apology letter for his aggressive and violent behaviors and didn’t bother to understand that he is sick with IED and needs to visit a psychiatrist.

This is my two cents about Kabir Sigh. I hope I will not get back to my lazy routine and continue to write more.

Please suggest to me something to write about. I struggle a lot with prospective topics.

Thanks

Friday, 18 October 2019

#SheSaid : Etching Our Thoughts in Ink

Lost in Translation October 18, 2019 0 Comments

Etching Our Thoughts in Ink

She was restless all day...

There was a growing need to grow out of her shell. It was almost like her current life was pressing on her as the old skin that she desperately needed to shed.

She went ahead and cleansed her inbox from people that no longer served her a purpose and who she could no longer relate to. After all, all relationships are a form of transaction - you give some to get some.

However the restlessness kept on growing. Was she only born to take responsibility, pay bills and then to die? No! She was made for much more.

As the night progressed, She felt this immense need to grow - grow out of this mess called life, to bloom and just love herself.

Since time She can remember, She has looked for love outside. In empty coffee cups, in unfinished messages that were never sent, in the inboxes of social media, in her call log...

Whenever she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw remnants of "What it could have been" and not "What it is." She was tired of looking.

She craved to feel whole - within herself. Collect all of her broken pieces and like Kintsukuroi (the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold), use love for herself to create a more beautiful and unique version of HER.

Till now she was waiting for someone to come into her life and complete her, to give her the love she craved, fulfill her with the love she deserves. But life has only offered her disappointments and lessons - not love and affection. It's almost like she is trying to step one foot forward while the other one is stuck in the murky waters of old memories and pain.

It was "Lokkhi Pujo" back home. Her mom said her dad got two lotus flowers for the puja, even though only one was needed. It was a sign! The flower lotus which occupies an unique position in art and mythology and is used as a key ingredient in Lakshmi Puja, can only grow in murky waters.

She remembered one of the lines from one of her favorite books by Sylvia Plath -

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

She is there for herself even if no one is. She is strong, She is fire, She is love - She could hear her battered old heart beating loudly. She was finally ready to fall in love with the most important person she will ever meet, HER!

As soon as She woke up next day, She rushed to the first tattoo parlour that would take her call and etched her thoughts in ink.

She is the one person who would be with her for life and She was finally ready to start a relationship with herself.

Follow Us