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Showing posts with label Random Musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random Musings. Show all posts

Monday, 9 May 2022

#MondayBlogs - You are too sensitive!

May 09, 2022 0 Comments


Have you ever been told - ‘You are too sensitive’ by people you consider as friends and family? That you over-react to things and situations?

If your answer is yes, then this post is for you.

If you have said it to someone close to you, then this post is for you too!


I went into therapy after I separated from my husband to be able to manage my depression, hyper anxiety and panic attacks. And man, did that open a pandora’s box. I discovered that I am an empath. That is also when someone told me that it is not good to be an empath because empaths give too much of themselves to and for others. That I should seek therapy to learn how to ‘turn it off’. And seek did I… Not to learn to ‘turn it off’ but to understand it. 

Granted, why I am an empath doesn’t have a glamorous backstory to it. In fact it is downright sad. But what I now say is, Empathy is my super power, and no super hero ever had an origin story filled with rainbows and unicorns, neither is mine.

Being an empath means that I feel strongly and deeply. Not only that, I also absorb the energies around me, whether positive or negative, and often lock it in my body. At first, it was extremely difficult for me to understand what part of what I am feeling is my own and what part of it is something I am picking up from the people around. I struggle with that still, but I am trying to learn to control it, so that I do not have to feel overwhelmed and exhausted all the time.

It took me a lot of therapy to understand that being able to feel deeply and strongly is not a sign of weakness. My feelings and emotions are my own and nobody has the right to tell me what to feel or how to feel or how much to feel. 

In the past have been told that I am too sensitive and that I over-react far too many times. 

Sometimes from a well meaning friend who wished me well, but mostly from people trying to gaslight me (and succeeding) in order to avoid taking a look at their own actions. To the point where I started taking it as a personal character flaw and beat myself over it till I was exhausted. I started wondering if it would be so much better if I did not care at all.

That is, till I was was prescribed anti-depressants and I spent a week feeling nothing. 

When I am happy, I feel that strongly too. I laugh. I dance. I celebrate and I am loud. Nobody complains then or tell me that I am over reacting… because everyone loves to have a good time. Yet, when I feel sad or hurt or betrayed, I am told I am being too sensitive and over reacting because it is too much work to even consider that I am human, I have a heart, may be hurt and I have a right to feel however I feel.



Photo Credit: Brighter Places

If you are someone who has told people that they are too sensitive, take a moment and consider… why does it bother you that someone cares and feels?

Take a moment to stop and think what you are really doing by invalidating someone’s feelings.

I want you to think why do YOU feel the need to invalidate someone else’s feelings and what does it actually do for YOU?

Chances are that you are avoiding to take a look at you own behaviour or statements.
Chances are that the sensitive person in your life is absorbing your energies and putting it back up as a mirror to you.
Chances are that you are the one who doesn’t have the capacity to understand what you are putting the other person through.

Maybe, it is time for you to take a look inward rather than outward. 



For those of you who have been told these gaslighting statements, remember that empathy is not a bad thing. Being sensitive is not a problem that needs to be cured. We need more of it in the world - the feelings, the understanding and the want to help instead of stone cold indifference & destruction.

If someone says these things to you, look at it for what they are. BIG RED FLAGS. The person saying these things maybe saying these to make you doubt yourself so that their actions are not closely looked at. They may even be manipulating you unknowingly - but that is what it is in the bottomline - manipulation.

Being a sensitive person in today’s world is a blessing to the rest of the population. We understand exactly. We care. And we are human. 

So, next time someone tells you that you are too sensitive… own it ‘coz you feel and care when others don’t. That makes you a much better person. We could all do with more understanding and sensitivity!





Monday, 21 February 2022

#MondayBlogs - Walk Away... #Gaslighting #Survivor

February 21, 2022 0 Comments

 



What does it feel like?

To be told that what you experienced moments earlier, never happened.
To be told that everything is only in your head.
To be told that you were being too emotional.
To be told that you were over-reacting.
To be told that you were the one forgetting things.
To be told that you were not good enough for anything.
To be told that you were too stupid to ever succeed.
To be told that you were a waste of space and a terrible drain on resources.
To be told that you couldn't take a joke after constant body shaming.
To be told that it wasn't their intention to hurt you while repeating the same thing for the 100th time.
To be told that it was your fault that you were hurting.

Everyday…
For months…
For years…
For close to a decade!

At first I fought. I took it up as challenge. I tried to prove them wrong. 
But how does one fight something that is being planted in their mind and doesn't actually exist? How does one win a challenge that shouldn't have been placed at all? How does one prove something that shouldn't need to be proven in the first place? 
And how long does one have to fight (alone) and keep proving things?

I am sure I knew the answer while growing up. But then I fell in love - Yes, Blindly! - and lost my way in the tornado that my life was. Constantly working. From the moment I woke up, till I crashed into my bed.

Working (from home) a job, handling a household and shouldering the responsibility and welfare of 6 other fully grown adults, day after day… Working up to 18 hours a day to deal with everything (and never less than 12 hours a day) to be able to take care of all the responsibilities that were suppose to shared by your life partner, (yet you find yourself handling them alone) - 7 days a week and 365 days a year is bound to have some effect on a human being. Everyone knows that, right? Apparently not everyone.

Cooking, cleaning, meetings, and promotional activities - constantly laced with comments and rebukes that aimed at reducing the family nurturer, the 'ghar ki Lakshmi' in to something less than a sentient being still happens in the 21st Century.

All that along with intermittent love-bombing!

You go into a shell - the survival mode. Always being prepared and trying to reduce any chances of triggering another round of 'how useless you are tirade'. You start to dim that spark, that is so eternally you, so that every one else is under the spotlight while you hide in the shadowed corner. You do not let the spotlight be ever on you - even though it is your story, your life! Shrinking into a ball, not taking up space and yet making it easier for people to kick around.

And should you dare to question it, i.e., if you still have some semblance of self left, and ask why - the society around you (some even in guise of friends) will gather to remind you that all you are good for is to keep your mouth shut, adjust and compromise. A 'failure of a being' has no right to ask questions. You only get to continue to try and prove your worth in exchange of being 'allowed' to breathe.


Would you consider stop breathing if that is the only way to end the hurt and pain?

Many do!

But there is another way… Stand up, break the invisible shackles and walk away! 

(read invisible shackles as: expectations forced on you by those close to you and the society; the constant self doubt drilled into you; the crippling fear you feel; the unshakeable belief that you cannot make it on your own; the anxiety of how could ever do anything right on your own; the mind blowing concept of what will people say… in short - whatever it is that is holding you back in a life that is slowly sucking your spirit out.) 


It is hard! The hardest thing you will probably do... When you finally have had enough, and realise that staying on will eventually kill you, much before your time; and when other people will reiterate that all you can do is stay and compromise. Try and remember, that there ARE people who will support you and help you... So, keep at it till you find someone who'll throw the life jacket when you are drowning. And then, swim... swim for the shore - your life!


And it starts getting better almost immediately.


Its been over a year since I walked out… And, now all I know is what it feels like…


To be told that you are strong.
To be told that you are a heck of a fighter to have survived.
To be told that you are worth more than ten of them.
To be told that you are loving and caring.
To be told that you have a right to take up space.
To be told that you deserve to have your needs met.
To be told that you are inspiring.
To be told that you have an amazing sense of humour.
To be told that you are a responsible person.
To be told that your are a logical and practical person.
To be told that you are loved.
To be told that you are seen.
To be told that you are cherished.
To be told that you are wanted and desired.



It is good for your body. It is good for your mind. AND, it is the most liberating thing for your spirit.





Wednesday, 22 September 2021

My Seasonal Lover - #MyFriendAlexa

September 22, 2021 52 Comments



My plane landed around 5 AM on an October morning in 2018. I am in a new city and I have to call it home for the next few years. I was happy to finally leave Hyderabad, but not sure what to expect from this new city.

I got my language and came out of the airport. I knew that nobody is coming to pick me up, still hoped to see a familiar face. Mr. Anirudh Gaurav said he can’t pick me up for some reason, I forgot the reason, however, remember I was mad.

A grey, gloomy and rainy city welcomed me with not much enthusiasm. I never disliked a rainy day like this.

I booked my Uber and patiently waited outside the airport. My Uber came and I started my journey into this new city. I more I entered the city, the more I hated it. I finally reached my destination, MVP Colony. Gaurav was there to receive me, but to my surprise, what welcomed me is the Devil’s Tree, in front of the hotel.

It was like Durga Puja welcoming me outside Kolkata. I was in love.

Gaurav left for work, and I began my hunt for a new home (rented house). I roamed every lane, every street of MVP colony. And every corner there was a Devil’s Tree waiting to tempt me with its smell. I was trying to get some flowers from the tree and some lady told me not to, as it is poisonous.

And in my mind, the smell of the flower is my poison. I don’t know how dangerous this is for asthma patients, but this is definitely harmful to me. It makes my desires run wild. No kidding it’s called the seductive Casanova of smells.

The smell would arrive every year, during Durga Puja (September end to October) stay till December to wish me on my birthday. I reached this new city in October and thank God it was October. Otherwise, how would I know Devil’s Tree will be waiting for me with open arms.

The smell takes me back to my teenage years. Someone would be waiting for me and I was ignorant enough to ignore him. The smell takes me to my first love, first heartbreak, and first tears of pain.

Yet, this smell is so toxic for me that I can’t simply imagine Durga Puja or winter without it.

Then the unavoidable happens, by the time winter is over, the smell leaves me like a seasonal lover. I am heartbroken and missing my love. I try my best not to embrace the last hint of the smell, as I know it will leave me high and dry.

Yet how can I not, long for it as long it’s there, it’s like the forbidden lover. He is toxic, poisonous, going to leave me to suffer for sure, yet so passionate with his love and desires.

It’s been three winters. The air, the streets, and the people feel much familiar to me now. I have made it a home, my Vizag.  

Yet in those lonely nights in my balcony, I long for my poison. I am madly in love with this toxic flower called Chatim Ful (in Bengali) and last but not least, a poisonous someone. It’s so difficult to reason with my feelings. What I know for sure is I want him. And he can't be mine, ever. A pain I endure with all my affection. 




I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.


Tuesday, 22 October 2019

You get the Best of Me!

October 22, 2019 3 Comments



You get the Best of Me!


Don't you just hate it? Hate that you absolutely need to appear in front of the world with the best version of yourself all the time? We put on our polished shoes, pressed shirts and perfectly drawn eyelids to dazzle this world with that perfect smile. God forbid it's one small misstep any morning and the entire world starts questioning us.

It's like that apple on the kitchen's center table, which we wipe a little bit and check for any signs of rot before the guest comes over for brunch on Sunday mornings.

We always need to be the funniest in the room, always come forth with pre-qualified skills and awesome connections in our social interactions. The funny by-lines from the latest Netflix series, or insightful comments about the latest economic development and GDP growth decides whether we can partake in social interaction. As long as we can regurgitate gigabytes of data on history, geography, politics who would actually do a deep dive and see, we have all become basically a source of mass information but unfortunately don't have much wisdom.

Why are we so afraid to appear as simple "US"? You know the us - the average you and me who may not always have the answers. Who may have forgotten to draw the perfect lip line, or may be not feeling like ironing the creases off their shirt sleeves. Are we so afraid to be rejected by this seemingly perfect society?

Tell you what - it's the same reason why we would pass by the window display at Burberry and simper at the latest collection, while Big Bazaar's "sasta and tikao" display doesn't stop us on our tracks. It's why, in the produce section, we search for the shiniest bunch of apples and a small amount of harmless discoloration is less than ideal for us.

It's afterall a "man eat man" world! Even for everyday social interactions, it's as if people are asking, so what do you bring in the mix? The society doesn't give a fuck about the fact that you are feeling a little "less" today - that you may be feeling a little unfunny, doubting your last punchline.

In moments of faux pas like this, we all straighten our ties, smoothen the frizz at the back of our hair and look society in the eye and say "Darling, you always get the best of me."